...because you thought Sweden was Switzerland!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dear readers! You are a loyal little bunch. You smile with me and keep the excitement going when I'm in my good times, and you cry with me in my hard times. What do you say about a new entry for the new year?

The step to start blogging again was harder than I thought it would be. I've been hanging out a lot with friends, exercising, started cooking food again and even been having some adventures, but somehow I haven't had the enthusiasm to write about these things. A week ago, I reread my old entries and I kind of missed being here. So right now I can honestly say that it feels nice to be writing again.

Because I write for a living (a dissertation, that is), the thought that words convey meaning shouldn't be so foreign to me. But somehow I seem to learn that better writing about my life than writing about research. Over the years in this blog, strangers had become friends and accidental passersby had become readers. And in my absence from this blog (which is the longest I've been away here so far), I got warm letters, comments and blog entries from friends but also others who basically don't know me but feel some kind of nearness. To know that you are read and that people appreciate what you write is the best reward for any writer, not least when you're writing a dissertation that you're not sure anybody would read out of interest alone. So, I just wanted to begin by dropping a line of thanks to everyone behind the scenes (or computer screens). I'm back, for better or worse, to grab some of your precious time as you read this from work or when you're supposed to be doing something more productive like doing your laundry ;-)

“Acceptance” and such words aren't really a good way to describe what I'm going through. It's more like learning to live with a situation that's kind of impossible to live through. Life just had become different. I don't just mean eating breakfast alone or hearing only my own laugh in front of the TV. It feels that I have had to figure out (and still am figuring out) a new life routine, when I basically only have myself to plan for. What to do after work? What to do in the weekends? What to do after dinner? Those things kind of just fix themselves when you live with someone. Living alone, you seem to have to put a lot more effort into just going out and doing something, since you don't have your natural socialization at home anymore. Marcus once told me of a mallard-analogy from the Home Guard: they appear to look like they swim effortlessly above water, but in fact they tread like crazy. So, keeping afloat is possible, but it no doubt takes a lot of emotional and physical work.

Projects are good, though. I have a whole list of them now: things I started on, things I'm planning to do, and things that I want to do further in the future. With projects, I feel that I could invest time and energy in another way than just doing routine stuff. “Investing” is also a good descriptive word, because I can get motivation back from the time I put in, and I can live on a good moment for days to come. In the past months, I have been in the process of applying for a Swedish driving license, so it was back to driving school for me. I've also been learning to tour skate, and the few times I have been skating on natural ice have been really awe-inspiring for me.

And so the 6 days have turned to 6 weeks, into 6 months. And time is always running forward. I can't help thinking that things would have been so much more fun if Marcus were here. And it's still unfathomable that he won't be back. But there's still fun left in the world, at least. It's hard to realize that sometimes, but I shouldn't forget it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:09 PM

Anonymous helloise said...

Dearest Joy! I'm so happy to hear from you again. You seem to be swimming along with a lot of grace and strength. We will always be here to read your blog (how could we not? It's so enjoyable and uplifting!), and support you all the way. Big hugs from my end of the world to yours.

1:37 PM


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